The Grannie Story

So I found out today that my grannie is now reading my blog. Can I just say that that sentence in and of itself scares me to death. See, my grannie is probably the cutest and funniest person that I know, and the fact that she is now reading (AND commenting) on this site intimidates me more than if the President of the United States quoted me on his live State of the Union addresses. Because, compared to her, I am a boring, unfunny, unimaginative oaf of an individual. (Is that redundant?) Our family has been known to make long-distance phone calls JUST to relay a Grannie Story. If there was an old people comedy club, she’d totally rule!Her humor is very un-selfconscious, though. She does not PLAN to be funny. She just is.

Here is my favorite example of her everyday funny-ness.

She was in a store with her son and daughter-in-law, and was ready to pay. So she goes to stand in line, but there is a young man who is standing in the middle of TWO lines. So she asks him which line he is in, and he says, “Whichever line goes the fastest, that’s the one I’m in.” She politely asks him to choose a line, at which point he reiterates his stance on line-choosing. Grannie is now becoming slightly irritated. When you’re 89 years old, you don’t have time for arrogant young people’s rudeness and indecisiveness. This time she states a little more firmly that he needs to choose a line, or she will choose one for him. My grannie is maybe 5′ 2″ tall, and her scalp shows through her snow-white hair, so there was nothing, physically, to make this young man listen and comply. Again, he states that he will choose whichever line goes the fastest, and doesn’t seem concerned in the slightest with her angst. So she finally says this: “Well, young man, we’re not going to do it that way today,” and cuts in front of him and chooses a line for herself. And the guy stands there, wondering, I’m sure, how he has just been overtaken by Scalp Lady with the turquoise capris and hawaiian shirt.

That story can just make me giggle anywhere I happen to be when I think of it. The grocery store. At church. In bed at 2 a.m. And just so you know, that sentence has become a permanent part of our family vocabulary. YOU should try it. Toddler throwing a fit? Inform him that we are not going to do it that way today and see what happens. Ten-year-old getting sassy? Let him know that we are not going to do it that way today, and you expect a prompt apology. Five-year-old complaining about what’s for supper? Politely inform her that we are not going to do it that way today, and she can either eat, or skip the meal. Go on. Try it. It totally works! And I think it will make you giggle too.

I’m sure my grannie would approve.