Gluttony as it Applies to Young Boys

January 19, 2008

So tonight I was doing the whole reading-to-the-kids-before-bedtime thing. We are going through a silly book about a family who lives in a house that is heated by a volcano in the basement. The plot of the book is not important, but where else will I ever use a sentence like that again? Anyway, it was talking about the family eating supper the first night they arrived in the house, and how they were all talking around the table while they ate toast with marmalade and peanut butter. And we get to a sentence that read “Mr. Finch helped himself to several pieces of toast, and…..” This is where my 7-year-old son interrupted.

Before I go further, you must understand that this child gets up out of bed every morning merely because the day will consist of eating. Period. The first sentence out of his mouth will be “What are we having for breakfast, Mommy?” And when I tell him that we’re having toast, he will ask if there will be anything else. After he eats, he will ask if he can have any crusts that are left over from the littlest child, and then scan the floor for large crumbs. After that, he will begin his theme for EVERY DAY, which is….. “What’s for lunch?” And he will continue this all morning, with numerous stanzas of “How long until lunch, Mommy?” and “It’s 1 hour until lunch, isn’t it, Mommy?” and “Boy, I can’t wait until lunch! I think it’s 45 more minutes now, huh, Mommy?” And when lunch is over, the same sentences will assault me all afternoon long, except that “lunch” will be replaced with “supper”. And when supper rolls around, he will eat the humongous pile of casserole on his plate, and the gigantic amounts of vegetables accompanying it, and the extremely filling slices of bread that I just baked, and it will take him less than 48 seconds to clean his plate. You think I’m exaggerating. I’m not. Then he will sit there in his chair, eyeing everyone with impatience and irritation because the rule is that he will not get seconds until all of his older siblings have finished theirs. And they do not have the ability to inhale large amounts of food items in less time than it took me to cut the loaf of bread into slices. As he’s sitting there, he will wiggle, and ask if it’s time for me to get up and get him more. And will he get the same amount he got last time, or could he have more? And while he’s waiting, can he eat the mushrooms that his older brother picked out of the casserole and laid on his napkin? And WHEN will everyone be done so that he can have more? And that piece of bread that just fell to the floor? Can he have it since it’s dirty now? And this will continue until his second helping has been served. He will make very certain that he is given the exact amount of bread allotted him for that meal, and that no other male in the family has a larger helping than he does. I think he would count noodles to ensure that. After that, he knows that he is done for the night because he is a sheep in boy clothing, and by that I mean that he will explode if we give him more. All-you-can-eat buffets? We’ve let him eat all he wants at those in the past. And then I spent an hour later on in the night cleaning up his vomit. That happened twice before we learned the Sheep Lesson as it Applies to Young, Shamefully Gluttonous Boys.

So as I read the sentence, “Mr. Finch helped himself to several pieces of toast, and…..” The 7-year-old? The one who had to be told earlier to sit still and pay attention?

“HOW many pieces did he have, Mommy?”

And I actually had to stop reading and explain to this child that the point of the story was NOT how much bread the man was allowed to eat, but that he…………….Oh, nevermind. At least he started paying attention after that.

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2 Responses to “Gluttony as it Applies to Young Boys”

  1. Nana C said

    You do make me chuckle again. You are so awesome with your writing! Always a hoot and like watching a good wholesome movie. Sincerely Nana C

  2. Allison said

    YOU are awesome with your comments! So there! Thanks for the encouragement!

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