Strange and Embarrassing Occurence

February 21, 2008

Today, I gave my husband Make-Fun-of-Your-Wife Fodder for THE REST OF MY LIFE.  Not because I WANTED to, but because if I hadn’t, my children would have.  You know…..the children who I hope will rise up and call me blessed someday.  Those children.

Okay, just a minute.  I have to preface this with some facts about my physique.  Otherwise, this will never be published because I will not be able to show my face in public EVER AGAIN.  When I am not pregnant, I am tall (5’10”), lanky, and on the smallish side for the weight of an average woman of my height.  Even though what you will read next makes me sound like one of those people who must be removed from their house by a crane, I must state that even at 8 months pregnant, I am still 50 pounds lighter than my husband.  This fact is important and must be remembered.  Seriously.

See, very early this morning, I got out of bed to go potty.  Because there was a tiny person laying on my bladder, and kicking it, and rolling around on top of it, and it made for an uncomfortable night in more ways than one.  So as I’m doing my business, all of the sudden, I hear this pop or crack or SOMEthing that you’re not really supposed to hear in bathrooms unless you’re demolishing it.  And just to allow my midwife to be able to breathe again, it was NOT my water breaking. 

Okay, that’s cleared up. 

So I thought how weird that was, but at 4 a.m., I have to admit that I really didn’t CARE what it was, seeing as how I didn’t smell smoke.  

Later on in the morning, when the children had arisen for the day, my 5-year-old RAN to me and said, “MOMMY!  There is something that happened and you have to come see!”  And since I figured that it was a doll decapitation issue or a hair-clip emergency, I didn’t panic or rush.  She led me into the bathroom where she displayed the source of her excitement and horror.  A crack in the toilet seat. 

Yes. 

That my rear end had apparently made in the wee hours of the morning.  And suddenly the rest of my life flashed before me, stretching out into eternity,  led by my husband using every possible nanosecond to make fun of the fact that my 8-month-pregnant, cottage-cheesey, stretch-marky body BROKE THE TOILET SEAT early one morning in 2008.

When I called him later on in the morning, I had to tell him because that was the easiest way for me.  I didn’t have to endure the facial expressions and body language and water squirting out his nose as he laughed at me.  So I gently broke it to him that something weird had happened to the toilet seat in the night, and that it now had a crack in it.  And our oldest boy helped in the explanation by yelling across the room, loud enough for Daddy to hear it on the other end of the line…..”Mommy SAT on it, and now there is a crack ALL THE WAY THROUGH!”

I am still in shock that my husband didn’t send around an email to the 400 people who work in his building, plus the 200 or so people who attend our church! 

I think he was afraid of the emotional repercussions that would ensue.

Smart guy.

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6 Responses to “Strange and Embarrassing Occurence”

  1. Susan said

    This was too funny. And by the way you look really good so I think it must have just been a freak accident and not your weight.

  2. Johanna said

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh to start my morning! It is always good to be able to laugh at yourself. I have a few things I will never live down as well. But I agree with Susan – it is not your weight, even if you are eight months pregnant!

  3. M said

    What an accident! Thanks for writing!

  4. Nana C said

    Toilets get old, pregnant women are not anything but beautiful, as you are. Nana C

  5. Kelly said

    Thanks for sharing, laughed my socks off, I think your husband is nicer than mine… or just smarter. What a fun story to tell at this child’s wedding rehersal dinner?

    I’m due 4/12 and at chruch on sunday when I sat down the loudest creek erupted from the pew, record breaking really. In our redneck family the term “fat” is reserved only for preggers, so I’ve had my fair share of “fat” jokes this week 🙂

    Ahhh, soak it up 🙂

  6. Lori said

    Oh my gosh! I know the EXACT crack you are talking about! How funny! I also know the deflation of the foam, cushy seats when the vinyl finally wears out and you think you’ve been shot by some terrorist that has been stalking you for the past month just to know that you go to the bathroom at 4:02:37 every morning. I, however, don’t have the extra weight of the belly for my excuse!

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