If Posts About Feces and Brain Matter Bother You, Skip This One. Mom? That Would Be You.

June 9, 2008

One of our children has had some bowel issues lately and needed to provide a stool sample for the unfortunate members of the Air Force lab.

And let me just go off on a mile-wide bunny trail right here and tell you one of my favorite stories.

One of my favorite memories of my childhood was when my dad would tell us stories around the supper table of his happenings of the day.  He was a Physical Therapist and when you’re a member of the medical community, you get to have some pretty hilarious  moments.  This is one of my favorites.

He went into an examining room of a patient, prepared to start an, um, examination.  In order to do this, he needed a piece of furniture to be able to push on the patients leg or bend her knee or tickle her toes.  I’m not sure.  But he needed a stool.  As he came into the room, he stopped and said, “Um, I need a stool.”  And his patient said, “I don’t think I can right now.”

See?  I told you it was a good one.  He has 497 of these kinds of stories.  He needs to write a book.

Sorta like the book that I’VE written.  On Lulu.  At the “My Book” tab at the top of this page.

Okay.  Just seeing if there were any new readers who hadn’t checked out that tab.  Because I wouldn’t want them to miss an opportunity to spend $14.95 on my book.  You know.  The one that my grandmothers pass around to all of their friends instead of telling their friends to BUY THEIR OWN DUMB BOOK!



So last night I told my husband that he got to do the stool sample thing.

And if you’re an atheist reading this, let me just give you all the evidence you need that there is, indeed, a God.

After 14 years of changing THOUSANDS of diapers, some of them cloth,  my husband got to be intimately acquainted with child feces.

And he had to use a spoon.  

Because the vials they gave us?  A family of worms would have trouble moving around in one. 

And let me just inform you, dear readers, that if you have made it this far without feeling nauseous, you just may after the next sentence.

My husband used to clean up brain matter.  And pull pieces of skull out of drywall.  Because he worked for a company that was called to clean up homicides and suicides.

Still with me?

He told me last night that the stool sample thing?  Much worse than the brain and skull clean-up.

Amazing, huh?

Two hours after he had completed the task, he was still talking about how gross it was.  Shuddering occurred.  And smug grinning.

The grinning was done by me.  Because God was evening the score.  You know, the one where my husband told me that he couldn’t change cloth diapers because he didn’t understand the system.  And told the smelly toddler wearing disposables to come get Mommy to change them.  Because Daddy was busy sitting on the couch.

Recompense RULES!  And if you aren’t sure what “recompense” means, click here.  Because it’s so worth it.


2 Responses to “If Posts About Feces and Brain Matter Bother You, Skip This One. Mom? That Would Be You.”

  1. Wanda said

    I don’t know what to say? Wow! Which is more wow-ing: your husband picked up after freshly dead folks or that he was the one who packed the tube with poop. The bible does say, “Wait upon the Lord,” well, now it’s even.

    Anyway, how was the cloth diapering thing? I am considering it for our “little man.” Also, how can I get a signed copy of that book–will you be at church this Sunday so I can say goodbye?

  2. oliveplants said

    Well, it looks like Wanda was the only brave one to comment on this post. Thank you, Nice Wanda!

    Cloth diapers….hmmmm…..I used them for many years and it saved me a ton of money. I still use them at times, but find that with schooling 4 + kids now, I just can’t take the time to keep up with all their schoolwork/teaching AND change diapers every hour or so, which you have to do w/ cloth. It is really a commitment, and you can’t just NOT do laundry. Also, my husband has a major thing about smelling the gross diapers sitting in the bucket, so you definitely need to work out a system of disposing of the icky stuff, etc. In Germany, we had this HUGE house, and I could use one bathroom JUST for the cloth diaper system. It was very nice.

    The choices of diapers are enormous! Kinda like homeschooling curriculum! It is a daunting task, trying to decide what you want. Good luck!

    About the book…..I don’t sell them myself. I sell them through the publishing company that I went with. So click on the “My Book” tab at the top of the page, and order it that way. If I didn’t miss you at church and you’re still around, I’d be happy to sign it. =)


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