Is It Just Me or Are My Posts Becoming More Inappropriate?

June 10, 2008

My oldest child complains that I never blog about her.

Here goes.  She may regret it.

I spent a lot of time this past weekend, searching desperately for a shirt that I have an image of in my mind, but that doesn’t exist anywhere on any planet.  (Except Eddie Bauer, it turns out, I’m happy to say.)

The shirt style I am looking for must cover two vital areas of my body……my stomach/waist area, and my bottom.  And if you are a man and don’t understand the need for this, or you are an aerobics instructor who has never had more than, say, 2 or 3 children, then I will explain to you the reason why.

First of all, after 11 pregnancies (I’ve had 2 miscarriages), there is no waist anymore on any part of my body.  The place where my waist should be, is now a squishy, bumpy mass of jiggly-ness that I will probably later regret describing to you. 

My bottom?  Um….doesn’t exist.  I come from a long line of bottom-less people.  Belts are a huge thing on my dad’s side of the family.  When I sit on my husband’s lap, he complains that my bottom bones are jutting into his thighs.  I know.  It’s weird.

So basically, I don’t tuck things into my skirts.  Because you would have to have a waist and bottom to do that, and I don’t.  (Have I mentioned that already?)

Back to my daughter.  So as I was lamenting the fact that the shirts made nowadays are tight and short and small and tight, and not at ALL what I need, she asked me what the big deal was.  Why couldn’t I just put on a shirt already and get on with my life?

So I began attempting to tell her in terms that were modest and motherly, WHY, exactly.  It went like this…..

“Well.  The shirts they make now are not what I need in order to wear skirts.  I need something different because I have issues that need to be dealt with that are NOT dealt with in today’s fashion world.”

Daughter:  “Like what?”

Me:  “Well, like my waist and my stomach are……um…….uh…….well…….not very……..um……”

Daughter:  “Attractive?”

And then I crumpled to the floor in a mass of frustration, defeat, and self-consciousness.

And now I’ve just realized that the readers who see me at church, will be checking out my backside the next time we show up there.

Wonderful.

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4 Responses to “Is It Just Me or Are My Posts Becoming More Inappropriate?”

  1. Momma said

    “Backside?” WHAT “backside”? You don’t HAVE one, remember? UN-like a very specific person who brought you into this world. But we won’t go into that.

  2. Mindy said

    You know, I’ve been your friend for over TEN YEARS, and I’ve never noticed you “don’t have a backside”. :o)

  3. oliveplants said

    Dear, sweet, blind Mindy,
    The reason why you are my dear friend is because you DON’T notice these things. You just love me for who I am on the INSIDE, which is a good and noble thing. And really, I must clarify that I DO have a backside……it’s just flat as a pancake.
    Actually though, after as many kids as I’ve had, it’s probably more like a waffle.

    Allison

  4. oliveplants said

    Mommy,
    Yes, but you DID give me my rabid organization skills that are used hourly, EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE YEAR. So that definitely makes up for the whole missing backside thing, although you could NOT have convinced me of that when I was in high school.

    Allison

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