June 16, 2008

Since some of my readers are pregnant or have new babies, I thought I’d write a post to make your lives easier.  Since I’ve had 9 new babies in the last 13 years, I’m somewhat of an expert on their doings.  So here it is…….

Rules For New Babies

1.  When you first emerge from Mommy’s body, make sure you cry or cough or offer some sort of verbal greeting.  Also?  Be pink if you can because gray scares us.

2.  When you nurse, be aware that you don’t have to use the force of a industrial vacuuming system used to suck the space shuttle back to earth in case of emergencies.  The milk will flow just as well if you suck like a kitten.  Not that I know the exact force of kitten suckage.  Just sayin’.

3.   When you wake up at 2 a.m. because you are hungry, it would be really nice if you could just be cool about the whole thing.  Like, Hey, Mommy, I know you’re asleep and all, so I’ll give you a few moments to get your act together and unstick your eyelids from your eyeballs.  Then if you could come up here when you get the chance, I would love a little snack.  Take your time though.  I know how tired you are, what with birthing me and all.  I’ll just wait right here, mmkay?

4.  Do not take a nap at 8 p.m.  It’s just wrong.

5.  The time to have runny, yellow diaper explosions that ooze out the top of your diaper and stain your new, handmade outfit is BEFORE we leave the house.  NOT when we’re 6 miles down the road with an extra emergency outfit that you outgrew 2 weeks ago, and a container of wipes that is empty because the 1-year-old used all 725 of them this morning to clean his matchbox car. 

6.  Loud, socially unacceptable noises, while funny at home while we’re eating dinner, are not so much in church during communion.  Not trying to embarrass you.  Just letting you know the way things work in Adult Land.

7.  Be cute as often as you can.  Coo, gurgle, kick……that sort of thing.  It will make Mommy and Daddy want brothers and sisters for you.  And brothers and sisters, while annoying and frustrating at times, do make life more fun.  Especially when you’re older than they are.

8.  Sleep through the night as soon as possible.  Like by the time you are 8 hours old or so.  It makes Mommy more pleasant to be around.


4 Responses to “Rules”

  1. I like your rules. I hope my newborn will read them. (that is assuming she actually comes some time soon)

  2. Joanna said

    Yes, please, for #8.

  3. Johanna said

    Now I just have to find a way to teach my unborn child to read between now and November so that he can read these as soon as he is born! You didn’t include a tip for that!!

  4. Ashley said

    Wow! Wish someone would have told my son about number 2!

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