When the Cat’s Away, the Mice Play…..or When Yummy Man is Away, I Blog About Him….or Something Like That

July 29, 2008

Yummy Man is not an emotional guy.  I could count on one hand the number of times I have heard/seen him cry. 

Okay, I could probably count on HALF a hand. 

Minus one-and-a-half fingers.

But deep down an emotional guy lurks.  He’s just very wary of coming out because he got beaten to a bloody pulp when he was little whenever he cried.  And he didn’t like that.

So crying is not done.

Neither is sentimentality.

And cat-cuddling is unheard of.  Apparently, it brings back visions of Bloody Pulp-ed-ness. 

But that’s not to say that cat-cuddling isn’t done in secret when he is out in the barn alone.

“Changing the oil” in his car.

Or “sweeping out the workshop”.

He tells me daily that he loves me.  But if I ask for a list of the reasons WHY he loves me, he has convulsions.  And he hyper-ventilates.

Because that would require FEELINGS, which is another name for EMOTIONS.

Which, remember, he doesn’t possess.  Because only girls have emotions.  And cooties, which, somehow, are connected.

But I’ve told him that it’s okay.  I won’t beat him up.  That he can cry in front of me and I’m not gonna push him down the stairs where he’ll hit his head and fall into a coma for 24 hours and, as a result, have eye issues later in life.  Even though I just now made that scenario up. 


I’ve gotten used to this guy.  The Husband With No Emotions.

But last night as I was doing my whole getting-ready-for-bed-weirdness, he said this…….

“Mommy?  I already miss you!”

And he didn’t realize it but if he had gotten out his 482-pound shotgun and shot me through the heart, it couldn’t have hurt any worse.


And now, if you’re wondering about my whole getting-ready-for-bed weirdness, I’ll explain.

There is one thing that I do every night.

And I have done it EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since I was 13.

I put 26 layers of Vaseline on my lips.

I, literally, have missed 2 nights since I began this weird little ritual, when I forgot to pack it for one of my children’s births that took place in a hospital.

And I did not sleep both of those 2 nights….such is my obsession with Vaseline-d lips.

And before you sit there at your computer, staring at the wall, imagining how someone this freaky is allowed to procreate, let me just say this…….


She does the same thing too.  But don’t tell her I told you. 

Because most people who know my mom think she’s normal.


6 Responses to “When the Cat’s Away, the Mice Play…..or When Yummy Man is Away, I Blog About Him….or Something Like That”

  1. Joanna said


    My mom vaseline’s, too. So, its normal to me. Don’t you feel better now?

  2. Johanna said

    I, too, cannot sleep without obscene amounts of vaseline on my lips! It just isn’t right! So glad I am not the only one…but I am not so sure how comforted I feel about the only other one I know being someone who blogs about skinned animals regularly…hmmmm…I guess it will have to do!

  3. Patti said

    I’m so sorry…I don’t get it. Why did it hurt? What did that comment mean? I’m not privvy to your marriage dictionary so I don’t know what that is “code” for in other peoples’ language.

  4. oliveplants said

    First of all, let me congratulate you for winning the Most Comments in One Day Award. Have I mentioned how much I love reading the comments? Especially from my readers who live in places where British accents are used?

    Sorry about not being clear on the post…..Yummy Man rarely expresses his feelings, and the night before he left, he was slightly emotional and let me know how much he would miss me! And it was said in an emotional tone! Doesn’t happen much in this house. EMOTIONS happen, but they’re usually happening in ME. So the comment he made to me just broke my heart…..AND thrilled me in a weird kind of way.

    A lot of times on this blog, I know what I mean, but may not convey that very well. Sorry about that. If you could all just come live in my house for a week or two, you’d TOTALLY get it, right Mindy? =)

  5. Mom said

    Your MOM!!! Here I check your blog 4 times a day for a whole week and see not one new item. So …. I DON’T check it for a few days and what have you done? You’ve written about me and given away my secret! You ungrateful child, you! 🙂 And now all my friends will know I’m not normal! Humph!

  6. Jeanne said

    It must run in the family, I have to layer my lips with vaseline before sleeping. I take it one step further though. When I get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, yeah.. I reapply. 🙂

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