What Happens When You Have a Bunch of Kids

January 1, 2009

I love what Mother Theresa said about children…..something on the order of “There is no such thing as too many children.  That would be like saying there are too many flowers.”

So that, really, is my philosophy.

Although, yesterday, I questioned it.

Because I was considering the fact that, perhaps, we DO have too many children due to a happening at a local thrift store.

We were finished with the assault on said thrift store and all its consumers and were headed to the car to begin the process of getting everyone in and seated without any blood being shed. 

I asked 6-Year-Old to put the bag of stuff (mainly camo pants) into the back and then come get into her seat.  Suddenly she appeared at my side, her dress crumpled up in front of her tummy, anguish etched across her face, and tears beginning to roll down her guilty little face.

I asked her what the problem was, but I think it came out like this…..”What have you done?”  Because this child has made it her life’s mission to test my patience and endurance by disobeying every chance she gets.

So then she started crying in earnest, sobbing and hiccuping and generally being really pathetic.

And then she showed me.  A lollipop was stuck to her dress and she had been trying to hide it.

A lollipop that we were not the owners of.

A lollipop that had been licked before she got ahold of it.

A lollipop that she had….

Picked.

Up.

Off.

The.

Floor.

Under the racks of clothes where they probably don’t sweep or mop because no one is supposed to look under there, much less discard half-used lollipops, right?

And she informed me that she HAD been licking it on our little shopping trip and then I recalled glancing at her a time or two in the store and wondering why she looked so guilty and was so quick to obey when I told her to keep up or not pull at that or get up off the floor.

The floor where, apparently, she had found a forbidden treat and partook.  (Is that a word?)  And did I tell you that she got it off the floor?

Okay.  Just checking.  Because, really, that’s the premise of this whole post and if you don’t get that one main point, that she got the lollipop off the floor, you’ll kinda just wonder what the heck is my problem.

So after I had dry-heaved a time or two, I explained to her why we don’t eat things found in public places and what could, conceivably, have been on that lollipop.  I really worked hard on that one, painting verbal pictures of one disgusting scenario after another, which included, but was not limited to, cowboys going thrift-store shopping immediately after shovelling cow manure. 

Ahem.

But I’m pretty sure she won’t be touching another lollipop again.

Ever.

And that’s when I considered the fact that, if I had only had her and one or two OTHER children, she wouldn’t have gotten away with what she did.

Because I would’ve been more aware of her apparent proclivities towards  sticky, gooey, half-licked, hair- and dirt- and cow-manure-studded Evil On A Stick.

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15 Responses to “What Happens When You Have a Bunch of Kids”

  1. Patti said

    I’m surprised that you’ve gotten to 8 kids and still dry heave over one of them eating/licking things they find on the floor of such an innocuous place as a thrift store. It could have been so much worse. You could have been in an airport public bathroom. Or train station platform…or a circus tent, or even…a CARNIVAL FAIR GROUNDS. I shudder at the possibilities. Count yourself (and Miss 6) lucky!

  2. oliveplants said

    Dear, Dear Patti,
    Obviously, you have never been to the city we live in. Thrift stores (or ANY store here, for that matter) are not places of cleanliness and aesthetic. I would rather my daughter have picked up a half-licked lollipop from an international airport bathroom in, say, Illinois than a half-eaten lollipop in a thrift store here where we live. Not trying to be mean. Just sayin’.

    And really? I only dry heave over squished snails and the smell of old chicken when I’m pregnant, which I wasn’t last time I checked. I just like to exaggerate a tad in my writing. It’s one of my weirder character flaws. =)

    Also, I’ve been to the place where you live and I can honestly say that I would rather LICK THE FLOORS at Heathrow than have my daughter do what she did yesterday here. Something about the combination of the desert and the mentality here. I don’t know.

    Anyway, I think an aside of all of us comparing the cleanliness of our own cities would be cool, don’t you? =)

    Thanks for reading and commenting!

    Allison

  3. Trinka said

    Oh … my …

    Just

    ick!!!

    (But I do think only children also do such things!)

  4. Jessica Little said

    This is by far the funniest post I’ve read of yours! I can totally picture everything happening by how you described it. We have a 19 month old with one on the way, and I hope to continue having them as the Lord allows! What fun to have these types of stories to recall later!
    Happy New Year!

  5. Joanna said

    Dear Allison –

    Please accept my most heartfelt and sincerest regrets at such a horrible event. I, unlike you, AM currently, but hopefully not for long, STILL pregnant and I nearly vomitted on my mother computer. There’s just something about licking things that have been on the floor or floors themselves that really amp up the “gross” factor.

    I don’t know about the cleanliness of my city, but I do know there’s lots of sand. Lots and lots of sand, beach sand…everywhere. And you know what, there’s something about beach bums that’s just…dirty. Do they ever shower? And why are they always spitting, peeing and pouring their beer everywhere? I saw a couple getting married at the beach last year and I just can’t understand why you’d want to wear your nice white wedding gown, to the dirty, sandy, smelly beach. I’m sure some beach bum snuck by them and spat on her dress and then ate the food at the reception.

  6. happy geek said

    Allison,
    I only have two. I tend to get caught up in the thrill of the bargain hunt and probably would have missed out on the whole lolli-pop thing as well.
    It’s not that you have lots, it’s just the whole caught up in the joy of the bargains leaves one a little single-minded.
    At least that would be my excuse.

  7. Tina said

    Ewww…..
    You know, germs LOVE hot weather… there are probably LOTS of them out there in Arizona where it is HOT. Right?
    Not sure, yucky discarded Lollipop or Heathrow floors…. that is a tough one. Heathrow is pretty darn clean!

  8. Vicky said

    OMG, that is too stinkin funny! I only have two kids and I assure you that doesn’t help one iota : ) When my oldest was three he admitted to both licking the side of the car and the bottom of his shoe… when its his birthday this spring I am SO going to tell on him…

    Thanks for the delightful humor… I’ve lurked before… heres the part you’ll love… WE HAVE SNOW… come over and check out the pictures anytime : )

  9. Kristen Jeffery said

    My sister once ate bird poop (thought it was ice-cream) and I will not even tell you all the things our youngest has put into her mouth!! We have made one trip to the ER because of it and 2 or 3 calls to Poison Control. Yes, I have them programmed into my phone. =)

  10. Linda said

    I too have felt this way. It seems sometimes we miss things trying to keep the big picture in mind- like not losing any of them in the store. Great post!

    Sincerely,
    Linda

  11. Jeanne said

    Allison, I thought of you the other day as Carly and I were getting in our car. She looks over to the car next to us and sees the mom get in and FOUR kids pile in too and she turns to me and says, “Wow, they have a lot of kids.” It was just funny to me because I pictured you and your family loading up and just made me laugh the way she said it.

    Oh and the grossest thing, I have witnessed Carly do, and I only have her and I was in the stall with her, is this… she is using a public restroom and she is small so she is using both of her hands on the seat to hold her up (no matter how many times I have told her not to touch the seat). As soon as she is done and stands up she decides to LICK her hands!!! I have no idea what she was thinking. It was really gross to me.

  12. oliveplants said

    Dear Jeanne,
    You win the Single Occurence of Child Grossness award! I just cringed at that story of public-toilet-hand-licking. MAJOR shudders! So you can walk around proudly for the rest of the week knowing that you have the grossest kid that I know of. Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your eye? =)
    Thanks for reading and commenting! Next time, tell us about how cute Carly is in the bathtub. =)

    Your favorite cousin,
    Allison

  13. Jeanne said

    Wow! Thanks, I think… I wasn’t sure if that would gross you out as much as it did me. I think I told her how disgusting she was a few times after that, I know… that’s good mothering, but I was mortified. I have a fear of public restrooms… so this was just great…

  14. Nana C said

    Allison, you also bring that sparkle! Thanks for the insight the life of a lollipop! Love Nana C

  15. Tina said

    Oh Jeanne… This might have that beat…
    While potty training my now 3 year old, several times she would wipe her tush, then wipe her face with the SAME BIT OF TOILET PAPER. Took WAY too long to get her to understand that you had to use SEPARATE tissue for your nose and your tush.
    ICK.
    Of course, it was at least at our own house. With only her germs…

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