Wallpaper

March 22, 2009

We have a new thing going on here that I find interesting in an infuriating kind of way.

The War of the Wallpaper.

Not WALL wallpaper, but computer monitor wallpaper.

Although WALL wallpaper is pretty neat, I have been cured from it for the rest of my life.  See, I used to hang it for a living and after one really horrible job that included designer wallpaper THAT I HAD TO CUT PRECISELY MYSELF and then hang with a certain kind of designer glue THAT DIDN’T WORK, I was cured of the desire for stripes and flowers and little swirly thingies on my walls forever.

About 5 years ago, for the first time in my entire married life, I was able to choose paint for the interior of the old farmhouse we bought in Iowa.  The one whose walls and trim and walls and trim and, did I say? walls and trim were all painted BURGUNDY.  I kid you not.

So I made the mistake of asking Yummy Man to go to the Special Paint Store and get me those little paint sample thingies.  (And “thingies” is my word for the day.  Just so you know.)  And he brought it home with a forklift….that’s how many samples there were attached together in a special Paint Thingie Case.

And I was only allowed to have it for 5 days.

Which just about killed me.

Because the number of colors that were in that thing?  I don’t even think they exist.  I think some physicists or chemists or someone really smart like that made up new colors somehow and then hired someone of the female persuasion to name them really cool names like Snow and Wheatfield and Pink Flamingo’s Second Layer of Leg Skin.

And when I was finally able to nail a few colors down for the inside of our house, I didn’t sleep for a few days because I was busy second-guessing myself at 4 a.m every night.

All the way up until the paint actually hit those walls and then I fell in love with it and wanted to fold up those walls and take them with us when we moved. 

So.

Back to the original theme of this post.  COMPUTER MONITOR wallpaper.

The boys?  They’ve been very, very naughty.  (And you have to say that with a British accent because that’s how we do it here.  Foreign accents are cool in our house.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because we’re weird.)

12-Year-Old insists on sneaking around behind my back and putting Remington wallpaper on the monitor when I’m not looking.

So when I come over here to check my email, there’s a pointing dog in a field of wheat somewhere in the Midwest where it rains and snows and gets foggy and stuff.  And somewhere on the monitor are the words “Remington.  We’re manly and cool.”  Or something like that.

10-Year-Old thinks it’s funny to slyly put up Lego Star Wars pictures on the computer monitor.  Even though he’s never actually SEEN Star Wars.  He just thinks it’s funny to see Mommy have half-of-a-convulsion over the presence of Legos in my living room.

And 41-Year-Old, otherwise known as Yummy Man (although the “yummy” part is now in question), thinks it’s just HILARIOUS to put a picture of some Allison-eating shark up on the screen with it’s bloody cavernous mouth open towards me.

And if you don’t know this about me, which you probably don’t because it’s just plain embarrassing that I’m this out of touch with reality and maturity, my number one Method-Of-Dying fear is to be eaten alive by a shark.

Go ahead. You can laugh.  But I’m going to the beach this summer and I’m planning on taking the laptop to blog about our adventures there and you’ll feel pretty bad if I stop blogging for a few days and you start to wonder.  And then you read on the news about the lady who was eaten alive by a shark and the only thing that was recovered were her big feet.

THEN you’ll be sorry.

The boys in my life don’t appreciate, apparently, the spring flowers wallpaper I have been TRYING to brighten our life with in the living room.  They snort about the girli-ness of it and then proceed to put up the Legos and hunting themes and scary sea creatures and stuff.

And I have warned them that very bad things will happen to them if this continues.

I’ll keep you updated. 

Now I’ve gotta go find some girly wallpaper to replace the Lego Imperial Walkers that are now assaulting me whenever I come to check my email.

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7 Responses to “Wallpaper”

  1. Celi said

    LOL! Allison! You crack me up! If I ever read an article about shark attacks or glance at the pile of Legos and Lego men in my kids overflowing toy closet I will think of you and your big feet. You rock lady!

  2. Trinka said

    Have you, by chance, switched to caffeinated coffee recently? 🙂

    Put a password on your admin account, and give them limited access, then find the girliest themes ever created, and load ’em up! Watch the testosterone-twitching begin. 🙂

    Trinka

  3. Susan said

    Love the big feet comment. Made me laugh which I really needed.
    Susan

  4. Lori said

    You’re so funny! The “big feet” part of this post sent me into deep belly chuckles!

  5. Mindy said

    You should do what I do–put a Bible verse wallpaper on there! Then they feel GUILTY when they start to change it! :o)

  6. Nana C said

    Allison, having lived in California for 43 of my 62 years, I have always loved the beach. Until, JAWS MOVIE, actually it is one of my favorite movies, but I go into the water to test the temperature of it, but sometimes I will venture up to my knees!!!!! Have a wonderful time on vacation FEET FIRST!!!! Love Nana C

  7. Mother said

    My personal all-time favorite wallpaper was of Yummy Man’s mother-in-law! Now THAT was good for a belly-laugh! 🙂 🙂

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