An Interesting Occurrence

July 16, 2009

Yummy Man wanted me to write about what happened Sunday night while he was livin’ it up at Men’s Meeting.

He left me here alone with some sort of rabid animal stuck in the exhaust pipe thingy of my stovetop/range thingamajiggy.

You know what I’m talking about, right?  The pipe that goes from the range hood in your kitchen, up into the ceiling and out the top of your roof?

There was a rabid animal stuck in ours.

Okay.  Maybe not rabid, per se, but really, really active and frantic and loud and scared out of its mind.

Or was that me?

Well.

Anyway, we heard some commotion earlier that afternoon but thought the dorky little varmint would get itself out of its precarious place.

It must’ve taken a nap up in there at some point, or else fell into a varmint-type coma for a few hours, because we didn’t hear from it until after Yummy Man had exited the house for a few hours later that evening.

Wouldn’t you just know it.

So after all the kids were in bed, I heard what sounded like an entire semi of small metal thingamabobs being dumped onto a stainless steel countertop.

Or something like that.

And I wondered HOW IN THE WORLD the kids could be making that kind of noise when they were supposed to be sleeping, and then I realized that it was the varmint, daring to attempt an escape.

So I decided to call someone to come get it out because we can do that now that we don’t own our own home.  Ya know, when you own your home, you wish you could call someone to come and fix this and that for free but then you remember that you can’t because YOU OWN THE PLACE and have to pay for every little thing that goes wrong with it.

So calling the housing people for this was like a breath of fresh air although I realize that that analogy will be lost on my Arizona readers.

Anyway, the dispatcher lady told me that, since it was a weekend, the maintenance guy would be coming from off-base so it would take a little longer for him to get here.

No big deal at that point because the varmint had fallen back into a coma or was making a diagram of how to get out of the thing.

Whatever.  He was still and quiet.

So then I started thinking that maybe he had gotten himself out already which in ONE way was a good thing, but in ANOTHER way kinda stunk because then I would have to explain to the maintenance guy when he arrived that there HAD been a scary creature above my stovetop but now there wasn’t.

And he MIGHT have believed me but I don’t think so.  He would’ve been mad that I had him come all the way to base when he had been so busy watching TV and eating Cheetos.

So I kinda wanted the little varmint back until I heard this really loud crash in my kitchen at that precise moment and then I changed my mind.

Because when I rounded the corner of the living room and peered into my kitchen, I SAW A GROUND SQUIRREL SITTING ON MY STOVETOP.  From where I was standing, I could then see out the front door where the maintenance guy had JUST pulled up.

So I go SPRINTING out the front door and yell to the guy to HURRY UP BECAUSE THERE IS A GROUND SQUIRREL SITTING ON MY STOVETOP!!!!!

And the guy, who had just shaved for the first time yesterday I think, keeps strolling real cool-like to the house, like I was  Crazy Almost-40 Hallucinating Lady and he was LL Cool J or someone.

But then he walked into my kitchen, said a word that shouldn’t be said in my house EVER and then went sprinting out to his truck to get some gloves.

That’s when I got kinda smug, like, I TOLD you so, dude!

And after little Almost-A-Mouse had run around on EVERY FLAT SURFACE IN MY KITCHEN eight times, then the cute little peach-fuzz maintenance guy caught him and tossed him out the front door.

And I wondered what he went back and told his roomies, ya know?

The maintenance guy not the ground squirrel.

The whole thing was so traumatic for me because I used to walk out to our kitchen some mornings when we lived in the country in Iowa, and there would be a mouse on my countertop or strolling across the floor or leaning in the doorway like, what you gonna do about it, lady?

And that kinda bothered me a little, ya know?

So the ground squirrel thing was like a really bad flashback, except without the 2700-square-foot-farmhouse-on-7 acres-of-green-rolling-hills part.

Sniff.

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3 Responses to “An Interesting Occurrence”

  1. Vicky said

    Nothing like a squirrel in the house/stove to create a little excitement! We had a vole/tiny mouse come live in our house… took us a week to get the darn thing out, do you know how many droppings there are after a week? I wanted to hose every surface down!

    You are clever and funny as always!!

  2. Wanda Opitz said

    Oh, Allison, I feel for you. We had a squirrel stuck in airvent at the apartment here when we first moved in, and it would walk all around the ceiling, from room to room, and eventually would settle in for the night in Sienna’s room, scratching and squeeking all night long, terrifying her until she finally would fall asleep crying. Maintenance tried everything: traps, enclosures, even opening up the ceiling, but he always somehow escaped. She is glad to finally be outta there, but now that we have the 5 acres, we have had our own adventures like you mentioned in your blog. Not mice, have you, but huge wolf spiders the size of my hand right in my garage! And birds laying eggs in our attic while their babies die and stink up the place! And 4 foot snakes about 10 inches from my kids while they play house outside, and leeches in the creek, and horse flies as big as a quarter! Well, I guess wherever you go, there are weird things. At least you haven’t encountered a scorpion yet! Oh, yeah, and I agree, the ability to call maintenance and get their help is the one plus in a rental, except that they do go so slowly about their response, don’t they?! I bet Yummy Man and your boys woulda done a better job at shooting the squirrel if he was there! Heck, I coulda done a better job at catching that squirrel in our apt, except that it wasn’t my place to tear apart! Love the L L Cool J reference, LOL!

  3. Laura said

    Hey there Allison,

    Boy, am I glad to know we’re NOT THE ONLY ONES to have a ground squirrel roaming around our house. Our cats have been entertained each night by staring at the kitchen baseboard, or the kitchen stove fan pipethingamajiggy…they would just plant themselves for the night and stay there…staring, watching, “wishing”… We’d hear scratchy noises in the stove pipe too… ….. Then, one day, I saw a groundsquirrel traipsing down the hallway..hoppity-hoppity-hop…And our orange cat (Boots) watching itwander down the hallwaly while he continued to lay on the cool floor..and our younger cat (Vanilli) bounding after it. They went into Becca’s room–where there’s plenty of things to hide in. At this time, Daddy comes home for lunch–YEAH! My Hero!! I tell him what’s going on and he gets right to the job. I get him a pair of gloves to wear to protect his hands…and he goes after the little thing. (with the cats watching this entertainment with curiosity written all over their faces)…Daddy catches the thing–it bites his gloved finger and doesn’t let go. He takes the critter outside the front door and lets him go. Mind you, only a couple feet away from the front door.
    So, the following week, we hear the critter scampering around again. This time, Daddy is at work, and the kids and I have a (fun) time trying to corner this little animal. Boots is staying out of the excitement, while Vanilli is right in there with the kids and me. We’re chasing it down the hallway, into closets, under beds, around toy boxes, etc… We finally catch it and stuff it into a can–so it won’t bite me–and take it outside. Instead of releasing it right outside the front door, I take it across the street and release it into a puddle of water in teh drainage ditch… Bye-Bye–Good riddens!! Yeah!! 🙂 No more ground squirrel! 🙂 The kids are I do the celebration dance and pat each other on the back and talk about how grand of an adventure that was…At this time Daddy walks in from work, wondering what crazy thing we’ve been doing all day…
    The adventure is not over yet. The next critter we see (actually, the cats see), is a small brown mouse trying to avoid the cats. I was sleeping on the couch for whatever reason–probably too tired to move to my bed… and I am awakened by the cats making a mad dash across the living room and then staring under the cedar bench… I move the bench over a little bit, and then see a small brown thing run away with the cats trailing right behind… I am easily amused… watching the cats corner a mouse–Boots goes and lies down on the rocking chair while Vanilli continues her chase. When she catches the critter, she bats it around a bit. The mouse plays dead, Vanilli loses interest in her toy because it is lifeless, and it scampers away, only to have Vanilli chase it again, corner it and bat it around again… The mouse escapes again–and this time runs into a safer place where the cats cant get at it… SO, the whole day, the cats sit in the dining room, staring at the shelves…just staring…(I know you’re in there–you have to come out sometime).
    This excitement happens several times–the cats being entertained, and I wishing the varmint would leave my house because I am tired of seeing the little terds left all over the cupboards…
    I gave the cats a week to get rid of the mouse–they didn’t. So, I bought a mouse trap from the dollar store–the traps were so large that they did no good. The mouse ate the peanut butter right off the trap, and the trap is still waiting to be sprung… So, last Saturday, I actually bought a real mouse trap from ACE Hardware, set it up in the poopy cupboard, and left it for the night. The next morning, I had my culprit! Yeah!! No more mousey… (I hope)..but, I bet, where there’s one mouse, there’s bound to be another…
    OK, enough of my story–you’re probably bored to death with my adventures… I’m wondering what our next grand adventure will be.

    Have a HAPPY!!!

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