A Post About Vomit. Vomit, Vomit, Vomit.

January 12, 2010

Before I write this post, there is something you should know about me.

I clock out at 8 p.m.

The only time I will work through the night is if someone is bleeding from their eyeballs, requiring juice from my body, or vomiting.

If any child comes out of his or her room at night after we have put them to bed, and it’s not an event that we have established as a true emergency, consequences ensue.

Because I’m clocked out and clocking back in to tell a small child that her insistence that her eyelash hurts is NOT an emergency will just lead to bad things for her.

After 8 p.m. is my time with Yummy Man.  Plus, it’s the only time of the day when I am able to speak in complete sentences.

Okay.

Here was the conversation that I started at supper tonight…..

Me:  Okay everyone, listen up!  I need to tell y’all that if your tummy starts hurting REALLY bad, you need to come tell me, especially if it is in the middle of the night.  That probably means that you will start vomiting soon thereafter because that is exactly what happened to two of your siblings within the last three days.  I need to know this so I can prepare your beds and the carpet.

(And let me just pause here to tell you that we have not had real, true carpet in our kids’ bedrooms since 1997.  Seriously.  So vomit on the carpet is a big issue for me right now.)

The kids:  Mommy?  What if it KINDA hurts but not really that bad?  Like, if it just feels like I have to go icky.

Me:  Well, that wouldn’t be REALLY hurting now, would it?

The kids:  Mommy, I’m sure that you can figure out that 4-Year-Old will come out at night to tell you that her tummy is hurting real bad but it actually won’t be….she’ll just want an excuse to come out, ya know?

Me:  There will only be coming out to tell Mommy this if tummy pain WAKES YOU UP, okay everyone?

The kids:  Well, what if I’m already awake and THEN it starts hurting?  Should I come out then?

Me:  It has to REALLY be hurting more than you’ve felt it hurt recently.

The kids:  What if it really DOES hurt and we come out and tell you but then we don’t throw up from it?  Will we be punished because we came out to tell you but then nothing happened?

Oh my stinkin’ word.

And then?  After that?  The rest of the supper was spent reminiscing about past vomit events.

Like, Mommy, remember when I knew that I was going to throw up so I tried to get out of bed and run to the bathroom but I didn’t make it in time and I threw up all over the mats in the basement? 

Or, Mommy, remember when we were driving home from that all-you-can-eat restaurant and I threw up noodles in the van?

It was a lovely supper, let me tell you.

After a few minutes had passed with the subject still being vigorously discussed, a picture of my mom came into my head and I decided that, out of honor for the way she raised me, I must put an end to it.

So I said, “You know guys, Grandma would be having a FIT right now if she was here!”

And they all agreed loudly and wholeheartedly.

And then 9-Year-Old began motioning with his hands the trajectory of his vomit three nights ago, with his older brothers looking on with interested facial expressions and mouths full of jambalaya.

It was the most animated and well-attended discussion we may have ever had at the supper table.

Ever.

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2 Responses to “A Post About Vomit. Vomit, Vomit, Vomit.”

  1. Susan said

    Love your posts about vomit. They always make me laugh.

  2. Mom said

    Oh. My. Word. I think I’m going to have to come out there and have a few lessons in Proper Dinner Table Conversation, don’t you think? I hate to admit it, but I Loved the post! Too funny!

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