Three In One

April 10, 2010

Been kinda laying low.

Got a lot on my emotional plate.  (You have one of those too, don’t you?  Yeah, mine is hot pink.)

My granny died and I flew to be with my family for her funeral.

And my sister left today to fly, quite literally, halfway across the world for the next three years.

Also?  I’m trying to lose 10 pounds which means that, besides the other stuff, I’m also REALLY wanting a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos.

But while I was gone to my granny’s funeral, sitting forlornly in various airports, wondering what to do with myself since I didn’t have nine kids who needed me to wipe their noses or change their diapers or have conversations with them about how life isn’t fair, I wrote a few posts for this here blog.

I actually wrote both of them on an airplane between Phoenix and Asheville.  Because that’s a long flight.  And the lady next to me did NOT want to talk.  In fact, she was leaning so far away from me and so close to her husband, I almost suggested she just get in his lap and give me room to spread out already.

But I didn’t because that would’ve been all cynical and sarcastic and we all know that THAT is just not what I’m about.

Snort.

And now I have to preface both of these posts.

One of them is noble and mushy and full of rainbow sparkles and snow-white kittens.

And the other one will probably make most of your husbands tell you that you’re not allowed to talk to me anymore.

But I’m going to post both of them now anyway because I can.

And because, secretly, I KNOW you want me to.  Even if one of them is a tad bit naughty.

I think my man haircut has caused me to be more rebellious or aggressive or something.

So here goes……

*******************************************************************************

It’s weird when you face your life from a different angle.

I have spent the last four days in and out of airports, flying to be with my family at the loss of my Granny.

On the way out of Arizona, my layovers alone totaled eight hours.

That was a lot of time to look at my life and discover this one thing.

Not being a mom to a bunch of kids and a yummy man is excruciatingly boring.

I actually felt sorry for those women I saw, walking around the airport in their business pumps and designer suits, talking corporate trash with their colleagues, and glancing scornfully at young moms with car seats and strollers and diaper bags.

They don’t know what they’re missing.

Okay, you’re right….They ARE missing exploding diapers and nights spent holding feverish babies and dealing with temper tantrums and sibling rivalry and knock-down fist fights and IT’S-SUPPOSED-TO-BE-MY-COMPUTER-TIME-NOT-HERS!

But they’re also missing all the stuff I do on a daily basis that seems so mundane while I’m doing it, but really adds up to a million little pieces of an adventurous life.

MY life.

And maybe yours too.

If you’re like me, and being in the “real” world is not something that you do on a regular basis, let me just assure you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

It’s not happily carefree and deeply fulfilling and blah, blah, blahppity, blah.

From what I saw these past four days in airports across America?

I’d rather do what I do any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Hope you do too. Because what we’re doing as moms matters.

Forever.

********************************************************************************

Airline services have gone downhill in a major way since I last flew.

The flight attendants used to be nice and care about you or at least attempt to APPEAR that way.

They weren’t rude and snippy and overtly mean.

That, my friends, has changed.

Drastically.

I was appalled at the lack of general courtesy from a company that I paid almost $700 to get me from Point A to Point B.

But there was a funny incident that I want to relay to you. Because the nastiness actually made me laugh and when that happens in your life, you really need to spread that around so that people can learn to see humor in not-so-nice circumstances.

It’s one of my missions in life.

I was on a small commuter airplane, flying US Airways because they had the cheapest fare although they didn’t tell you that they’d treat the trash left in the airplane after we had disembarked better than they treated us, but I digress…….

There was only one flight attendant on this plane and let me just state for the record (and because it’s an integral part of the story) that this man was more feminine than my mom.

And she holds her pinky finger out when she sips from a cup and princess-y stuff like that.

At the beginning of the flight, he goes through his whole speech about not having phones on and electronic equipment and yadda, yadda, yadda but he was really hard to understand.

Well, a few minutes into the flight, he gets on the mike and says something that I got only after wrinkling my brow and concentrating really hard for 3 minutes. I figured out that he had said that no one could use portable electronic devices on this one particular flight because of the altitude at which we were flying and the amount of time we’d be in the air.

So I’m thinking that most people really didn’t try as hard as I did to hear this, which means that they didn’t get it.

(Was that clear?)

So at the end of the flight, when we were starting our descent, he walks up the aisle to make sure everyone’s seat backs are up and their seatbelts are on and flight-attendant-y stuff like that.

And halfway up the aisle, he stops, gives this guy sitting there a dirty look, scowls, flings himself around so that he is facing the front of the plane, and goes stomping towards the cockpit. (And please remember that all of this is done in a manner that is more feminine than most women you probably know. I mean, it would‘ve been funnier ONLY if he had flung a feather boa over his shoulder as he flounced up the aisle.)

He makes this big dramatic flourish to get the mike off the wall, pushes the button, and says this in a very. Clear. Manner. While scowling nastily in the direction of the offender…….

“For those of you who have been using electronic devices EVEN THOUGH YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO, turn them off now.”

And then he rolls his eyes, slams the mike back onto its holder, and flounces into the galley, probably to dab his forehead with a pink tissue.

It was like West Side Story except the gangs would’ve been wearing sequin evening gowns and the fist fighting would’ve been replaced with a knitting contest or something.

Really? It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Why he couldn’t politely ask the young man to please remove his iPod during the flight is beyond me. I guess it would be too grown-up and mature and maybe US Airways doesn’t promote that.

But price-gouging is okay.

Sorry.

I know this doesn’t fit with my whole home schooling mom of nine thing, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to tell this story.

It was just so high-school-in-San-Francisco.

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4 Responses to “Three In One”

  1. You inspire me to laugh more often at my everyday life. (everyday for a mom of almost 9 anyway :))
    I have to agree…life out there doesn’t half compare to the riches within our households. Keep the smiles coming!

  2. Cheryl Fleener said

    Most of the mundane is wonderful and oh how you make me laugh, Allison!!!!! You are a great Mom and a good person….God bless you and your family….nana C

  3. Mindy said

    Love all 3 of these posts!
    And I have to agree with you–every time I venture out into the “outside world”, I realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s kind of like those places you go on vacation that are nice for a few days but you would never want to live there. I’m always very glad to get home to my family and stay there for a good long while! This is who I am and where I want to be.

  4. Tricia said

    Allison – I just love your writing style! You brought the flight attendant to life and I laughed out loud. Even though I’m one that lives in the “outside world” I’m so glad there are people like you out there doing what you do – it makes the world go round. I’m actually envious and I’m sure a lot of the “outside world” women are too! I’m sorry to hear about your Granny – I would have gone to the funeral if I’d known.

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