Oh. Now THIS is Going to Be a Good One.

July 9, 2010

For those of you who have missed my witty reparte and other French words that I don’t know how to spell and am mildly unsure of what they mean, let me assure you that I have not dropped off the face of the earth.

I have just been heavily involved in filling out 22 BAZILLION forms that the military requires us to fill out in order to have the privilege of moving to Alaska.

Let me just say that I understand NOW why people use birth control.

Because filling out passport forms for ELEVEN people, TWICE EACH, has made me re-think our whole stance on freely welcoming children into our home.

We also had to fill out forms FOR EACH MEMBER OF THE FAMILY that states that we are all mentally fine and physically fine and dentally fine and yes we homeschool and no we don’t give our kids shots and what the heck is it to you, anyway?

Well, not that last part, but after an entire week of taking each child to the doctor SEPARATELY  to be poked and prodded and showered with princess and Nemo stickers, I’m a little bit cynical.

As opposed to all those OTHER times in my life when I’m not.

So now let me interrupt this rambling to tell you that I am now going to rant.

And it’s going to be huge, but it should still be entertaining because that’s what I’m here for.

To make your day with my humor and run-on sentences and the reality that your life canNOT be as hectic as mine so that should make you feel better about yourself.

You ready?

Went to the oral surgeon today because I have wisdom teeth that are unwilling to play nicely with the other teeth in my mouth.  Also?  They could possibly kill me in the night because the filth in them is, according to dramatic dental hygienists, traveling right now to my heart where said filth will build up and cause my heart to seize up and leave Yummy Man with the potential to have that RV he’s been wanting.

This is a whole big long story, filled with dental drama and angst, but let me just wrap it up into two words that will describe my afternoon appointment today.

I cried.

And let me just state here that I DO NOT CRY IN PUBLIC and hardly even in private because I am physically unable to do so unless I am pushing 11-pound babies out of my body with no medication or am ANTICIPATING pushing 11-pound babies out of my body with no medication or…….um, yeah, that’s it.

So I go into the office not knowing much about a procedure that I was told 2 years ago that I would need and would be extensive.  So visions of pain and pain were dancing in my head when I entered the appointment and that was about it.

And even though I’ve birthed nine babies, pain scares me terribly.  If you have just started reading this blog or don’t know me, then I will tell you that the source of this fear comes from the birth of my fifth child.  She was born in a bathtub with no one in attendance other than my husband, in under an hour and no more than 15 contractions.

And, oh yeah, she weighed a little over 10 pounds.

The only word I have ever been able to come up with to describe that experience is……violent.

And now pain scares me.

So at this oral surgeon’s office, I was asking about the level of pain that was involved in the procedure and afterwards also.  Since I am pregnant, I am unable to be put under, so a “local” is supposed to be enough.  But I’m almost 41 and this thing was supposed to be done 20 years ago when I was young and more flexible and utterly naive about what real pain is.

So I was a little apprehensive and wanted to glean all the information I could so that I could prepare myself.

The oral surgeon was ALMOST dead he was so old and, while I don’t have a problem with that in the least, I DID have a problem when he informed me after 10 minutes of conversation, that he was tired and he was going to leave and I could either do the procedure or not, but he was not going to discuss it with me, and he was NOT going to do the procedure on me until I got myself together and figured out what I wanted to do.  He told me that I obviously couldn’t deal with this and he didn’t want to deal with me anymore.

And when I tried to explain to him that I have had 9 children and I’m NOT a pansy and I DO know what pain is like and that I am the kind of person who will worry and think the worst about this kind of thing, but I WILL get myself together when it’s time to do this but I want all the information I can get beforehand, he totally ignored me.  And blew me off and had no compassion whatsoever.

So I broke down and cried in front of this small, old compassion-less man who made me feel wimpy and whiney and like my feelings didn’t matter.

And I would’ve rather stripped naked in front of him……THAT’S how bad it was.

So afterwards when I sat in the parking lot, sobbing into the phone to Yummy Man about my trampled-on feelings and my apparent wimpiness and my extreme aversion to pain and rationale, he told me that we would just choose another oral surgeon and go from there.

And that’s when I told him that THIS guy was going to do my surgery.

Two reasons.

I was going to show him just what I told him….that I’m NOT a pansy and that I WOULD get myself together when it was time for the surgery and it would be fine!

Number two?   I figure that if someone with the level of compassion that he showed me today could still be in business after all this time, he’s GOTTA be good.

And when I go in next time, I’m going to be standing, not reclining in that short little self-esteem-ravishing dental chair, succumbing to the heartless behavior of a man who I would trip over if I was walking through the mall.

Not that I would ever be that immature or use my height in that way, normally.  Just THIS time.

You know.  Because he made me cry and wish that I was naked and all.


5 Responses to “Oh. Now THIS is Going to Be a Good One.”

  1. Trina said

    oh. my. gosh. …. ALLISON! ROFL!!!! I TOTALLY sympathize with your anxiety, but this was SO HILARIOUS!

    but there is NO WAY i would let that surgeon touch my mouth, ever ever ever, you are a brave woman

    When I was birthing my first, I was in transition and kept kinda chanting softly, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” The nice nurse finally said, “Well, you’re just going to have to, aren’t you!” It shocked me, b/c I wasn’t really aware of what I was saying, and actually I was sort of praying my feelings to God. In the back of my mind, behind the contractions and pushings, I had a few choice words, but I never said them out loud. I know medical people are human, too, and have bad days and all that, but goodness, if you can’t handle your patient’s emotions, find another field of work!

  2. Jordan said

    This is Kim, queen of multiple jaw surgeries and many tears at many appointments! I love love love our oral surgeon–sooooooo sweet and kind and gentle. He worked on me over 20 years ago when he was fresh out of school and is still the best there is (Jordan just recently saw him and we need to get her wisdom teeth out soon 😦 Ron Quintia is his name, if anyone in Tucson needs a wonderful doc for their mouth!

  3. Patti said

    Have you ever considered that you might be a little teeny bit on the morbidly bullheaded side?

    In America, all we have left to offer is amazing customer service, because China is making everything else we want at Wal-mart! That horrible little man is in business because God has to allow bad to exist, not because he is good oral surgeon.

    When you go back, you are telling him it is ok to be awful because it has no repercussions to his business.

    And you are right, I do feel better about my life because I don’t have naughty wisdom teeth that have to be extracted with minimal pain killers by a really hateful oral surgeon. Thank you!

  4. Jessica said

    I would still write the board on this man – he should NOT get away w talking like that w you…

  5. michelle lynn said


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