December 6, 2010

So every time Yummy Man logs onto the internet on his phone, he says…..”Hmmmm.  November 9th.  That was the last time you posted.  Gonna post again anytime soon?  You big, fat, blogging loser.”

Okay, he doesn’t actually SAY that last part, but to my pregnant mind and emotional center of my being, it FEELS like it.

You know, at this point in my life, blinking exhausts me because I have spent the last two months unpacking, organizing and re-organizing 6 tons of household goods, schooling five-and-a-half kids, potty-training, character training, re-organizing household goods AGAIN in order to fit everything in, taking little boys outside for 20 minutes each day when the temps are above zero, growing a human being inside my loins, hosting Thanksgiving for 19 people, and whining.

Yes, whining.

Because I’m at the end of this pregnancy and I get to do that now.  Because I sleep…….um, MAYBE 2 hours each night.  So that makes all the whining more valid.

To me, at least.

Everyone else?  Not so much, apparently.

In other news………last week it got down to -30 degrees which, philosophically, is kinda neat to think about.  Like when I stepped outside to go to my doctor’s appointment and the arctic air hit me and I chose to smile and say, “This is the coldest I have ever felt it in my life!”  And in town, people were still doing normal people-stuff.  Like going to Walmart and eating out and walking their dogs.  Weird.

Right before Thanksgiving we had the worst ice storm this area has seen in over 70 years.  So, to say that the roads are really bad would be…..like…..dorky.  It’s like driving your car over railroad tracks.  For 45 minutes straight.

Now think about doing that while in labor.  Lurching, bumping, continually switching lanes to try to find the “smoothest” one.

Yeah.  I wouldn’t make it past our street.  The baby would be born on the side of the road which you really shouldn’t do because then you’re REALLY going to get stuck and you never know how long it will be before someone gets to you.  And you’re all wet from your water breaking and the birth itself and all the fun stuff that comes with having a baby, and the baby is wet from being in that wet womb of yours and, inevitably, it will be -45 that night.  AND it will be night, so then you have to worry about people slamming into you because it’s snowing and visibility is low, plus everyone is on the lookout for MOOSE on the side of the road, not lone trucks with wet moms and babies and a semi-frantic new dad inside, ya know?

So we’re planning to induce.  Because, in one of those very rare instances, it will actually be SAFER because of our road and winter-driving conditions and the fact that when I go into labor, I’m serious about it and I get it done fast.  I’m very efficient with most things in my life, and especially birth.  Also?  As my mom so eloquently states as often as this topic arises….I’m a bleeder.  And you don’t want to be a bleeder on the side of a snow-packed, ice-covered road, somewhere in the wilds of Alaska, when it’s -45 degrees outside and all the 911 volunteers are in bed, all cozy in their wood-stove-heated log cabins.

Plus, the homebirth midwives refused service to me because I live 40 minutes away, bleed heavily after birth (did I already mention that?), have fast labors, and……oh yeah…..AM OLD!!!!  And the suggestion they had that they thought would work for me was to have me come into their free-standing birthing center and have the baby.  There’s only one problem, besides the whole road-conditions/winter-driving thing……

The only 2 labor rooms they have are right beside the waiting room.

If you don’t get that, allow me to explain……

I am the kind of person who is physically unable to go potty in a public restroom if there is no fan or SOME noise running.  Yep.  Physically unable.  You could put a gun to my head and scream at me to GO ALREADY!!! and I would just suggest you save your voice and go ahead and pull the trigger because it’s not going to happen.

So imagine me in a birthing clinic, two steps away from a small room where other people are sitting quietly and calmly, with no noise whatsoever except for the occasional ringing of the phone……and me pushing out a human being?

Yeah.  Dead people, rising from their graves would be more likely.

Not to be dramatic or anything.

Plus, it would cost almost $6000 for the privilege of having people listen to me give birth.  Just the renting of the building is $2500…..and since I’d only be there for probably 10 minutes, I was thinking it wasn’t a good use of money.

But it’s possible I could be wrong.  Not probable though.

So if you think of me on the 17th, and I don’t post again before then, say a prayer for me.  I will be holed up in a hospital, trying to be nice to the little nurse who just graduated from nursing school, has never had a baby in her life, and who is giving me breastfeeding instructions and showing me how to swaddle my new baby.


Also?  Send casseroles!


2 Responses to “Okay.”

  1. Mother said

    Hahaha. Oh, Allison, you’re too funny! Bleeder? Yes, glad you mentioned that. Just wanted to be sure you understood. 🙂 This was one of your best posts – just because you’re in (drum roll please) Alaska!

  2. Abi W. said

    ALLISON!!! So fun to hear from you! I absolutely LOVE reading your blog…even if it is only now and then! 😉 Besides–who am I to talk??? I’ve not blogged in…ummm…too long!!! 😛 We’ll definitely be praying for you, the family, and the arrival of your precious new bundle! Just so you know, I SO admire your ‘pressing on’ attitude! 🙂 You bless me! OH! And BTW, I STILL miss your laugh…STILL think of how I wish I could see your smiling face from time to time…and STILL long for just a chance to catch-up and chat! LOL May God surround you with His loving arms in the weeks ahead, and carry you when you can’t go on any more! Much love, and LOTS of hugs your way!! ~Abi

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