A Little Announcement

November 18, 2013

So there’s one little detail I forgot to tell my readers. 

You know, both of them.

I’m within spitting distance of bearing our 11th baby. 

I know.  I get really fun around this time.  I’m just full of cheerfulness, optimism, and sparkling rainbows.

I’m 44 years old; I have gray hair mixed in with my brown hair, wrinkles in places you would expect, and a huge belly that makes people stare when I walk into a room or store or restaurant.  I’m very close to reminding everyone that they each have their own personal cameras on their phones and THIS would be a good time to use them.

With every past pregnancy, I haven’t had to deal with the stuff I have to deal with this time, namely smart-alecky, teen-aged boys who find themselves highly amusing. 

I have 3 of them now in the house and they make fun of me as often as possible, slamming themselves against the wall when I walk past like there’s not enough room for both of us there, laughing at me and making beer-gut and burping jokes when I scratch my belly, and stuffing couch pillows under their shirts and lumbering around the house. You know, respectful things like that.

Also?  They call me Bump.  As in, “What’s up, Bump?” and  “What’s for supper, Bump?”

And I’m past the paddling stage with them, seeing as how one of them is over 6′ 5″, another one weighs as much as I do when I’m not pregnant, and the other one was born with bulging biceps.  Girl babies in the nursery when he was born were like, “Whoa, dude.  Those are impressive guns!”  ‘Cause, you know, baby girls talk like that.

The balance of power has shifted, although I can still send them to bed early and take away computer privileges.  

Way better than paddles.

Don’t mess with Mommy when her hormones are like an impending tsunami, being held back by a pitiful, shoddy ocean dam.

Yesterday, the dam cracked a little.  I woke up with a mental list of all the things Yummy Man had done before going to bed that didn’t sit well with me then, and was SO gonna come out now.  And it came out and he was okay with it, actually, since it wasn’t anything really important in the scheme of life….just in that seriously-hormonal moment in time when trivial things become massive vehicles of doom.  And then I cried about the birth and all that fear that I get when I’m close to birth and how I wish I was like those women who look forward to all of this, and I’m just dreading all the pain and yuckiness and pain, and pain.  And then I also maybe cried a little bec we were turned down for an assignment to Europe.  That was supposed to be my Christmas present from Yummy Man, but the Air Force Personnel Center apparently didn’t get that memo or, as an alternative, read my mind.  What a bunch of losers!

This child is going to be between 10 and 11 pounds and probably come out with shoulders the size of Yummy Man’s.  We’ve had this issue before and, when I was telling the midwife at the hospital about how big my baby boys are, and how I should’ve considered the size of our offspring when I was choosing a mate, she about bust something laughing.  I didn’t see the humor.  I was serious.  If you want to have small, fragile babies that slip out without much fanfare at all, do NOT marry a man who has a lethal DNA mix of Dutch and German ancestry.  Marry small. Like, leprechaun small. Trust me on this.  

But I AM excited about meeting this little boy and being his mommy and watching how he becomes the little man God wants him to be.  It’s just the getting-him-here part that bothers me at times. 

Seriously.  I’m not a bad mommy.  I just have a problem with the entire idea of pain.  I even felt bad for the cow we used to have, when SHE gave birth.  I was all…..”I know, Momma.  I feel your pain.  Push through it.  You can do it!”  And I do realize how weird that is.  

If you haven’t been reading my blog for awhile (What is WRONG with you?), then you won’t understand my references to birth pain and will probably think I’m a big, wimpy, prissy loser.  But you’d be kinda wrong, seeing as how half of my babies have been over 9 pounds, and most of THOSE over 10.  AND I had my biggest baby, who weighed 11 pounds, on the living floor in our house in Iowa.  

Those are my mom credentials.  If I had a business card, all my babies’ birth weights would SO be on it, along with how many times we’ve moved as a family and how many instances of child-vomiting I’ve endured and cleaned up.

Back to the birth pain link.  It’s right here.  Enjoy.  (Snort!)

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5 Responses to “A Little Announcement”

  1. Becky said

    Yay!!! Congratulations! When are you due? I’ve entered into the world of teasing teenage boys, too!

    • oliveplants said

      I’m due December 8th. If I go that long, I will need a separate vehicle just for my belly. It’s amazing how alien-esque I look. I’m torn between wanting to be comfortable again with a normal body and an adorable baby to hold, and wanting to go into labor and deal with all of THAT. I know I won’t have much choice soon, but I spend time thinking about it. Probably valuable time. But in the last month of pregnancies, I get kinda useless, mentally. I’m kinda consumed with what’s coming. Am I the only one like that? Any new little ones for you? Hope your family is well and thriving! =) Thanks for writing!!!!

  2. ronda caballero said

    Glad to see new posts. We have been thinking of you all but don’t have your current email apparently.

    How AWESOME – literally – that you are having a baby!

    Ronda

  3. WOW! Yep, that small detail is a HUGE oversight. Wishing you peace, and a military assignment that takes you to a HUGE home near people you love.

  4. Joi Britton Kelley said

    Any word on the baby yet?

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